Looking into the past....

You know how all the stars we see in the sky are really an image of the past? What if someone was watching us, say, 60 light years away... they could see World War 2 unfolding right before their eyes. Or thousands of light years away to see the Egyptian pyramids being built. Or hundreds of millions of light years away to see the dinosaurs walk the earth. Or billions of light years away... "Ah. No intelligent life there. Next!"

I dunno if worm holes actually exist, but if they do, and we could use them, could we go back and view anything in history? Or go far enough to catch up with the first piece of light, and view the big bang? Or travel away from earth at the speed of light (if it was possible) so the earth will appear stuck in time?

Best chat-up line ever

So me and my mate were down the local pub the other day and closing time was near. It was almost empty and the young bar lady was wiping down all the tables while telling the remaining few that they're about to close up now.

But this one drunk dude, slurring and not even walking straight, thought he's in with a chance! The night's almost over, one last go to pull!

As young-bar-lady lets him know they're closing soon, he starts some some small-talk culminating with the magic line in his irresistible drunk cockney accent...

"YERR WANA GO FORRA FRUUCCKINN DRENKKK?!?"



Yeah. That's gonna sweep her off her feet that is.

Yuck Uncle

My 2 yr old nephew (Rishi) is at that stage where he's remembering everything he hears. And when one of our uncles left our house the other day, an uncle who has extremely poor hygiene, one who smells awful, i told nephew that's smelly uncle.

And now hes calling him "yuck mama" (mama=maternal uncle) and "smelly". He's gonna end up saying it in front of him one day.

I only said it once and now its permanent for him!!!!

*will choose his words very carefully now*

*will teach him to say Sir Naresh*

Its xmas so the neighbours are at it again

Every bloody year. The nice old man spends weeks setting it up using his trusty ladder. One day he's gonna fall. I reckon he only does it to get away from his wife for a bit. She's not a very nice woman.

Quite a sight though huh?

Keep your feet warm this winter

It's an annoying problem, cold feet in the comfort of your home.

Here's my solution. Wear some cheap, old, soft, stretchy trackies and wrap the ends around your feet like so:


Seriously though. Works like a charm. You can even walk around like that to keep cold floors at bay.

Parents may moan it's ruining the trackies but that's why you use cheap ones.

Slight problem though. If, like me, you've been doing this for a few years, you may get this slight problem. Baguette.

Jackpot! Ding ding ding ding ding!

Ahh i forget to mention about my jackpot incident last week!

I was at uni, felt a bit peckish so went over to one of those snack machines to buy me some crisps.

Monster munch, pickled onion flavour, lovely. 35p. Shoved a pound in, got the crisps, then pressed the change button.

I hear a looonngggg *clink* *clink* *clink* *clink* *clink* sound (money dropping)

*clink* *clink* *clink* *clink*

It just kept going on!!

*clink* *clink* *clink* *clink* for aaaaaaaaages

When it finally finished, i shoved my hand inside the change compartment......

It had given me back 65 one pennies.

WTF

I couldn't even put that in my pocket, it would be too heavy and rip through the pocket. So i put it in my empty lunch box, which is actually just an empty margarine tub to hold my banana so it doesn't get squashed. I was walking around making such a noise with it all clunking around in the box.

E.T. Phoonnee Hooommeeee

Hahah my dad just phoned home from work and i love winding him up. He always calls for useless stuff, as if he's just doing it to kill time at work. And sometimes he has this dramatic tone to his voice.

"Where's mum? She's not home ??!?! Ok then. What's nephew doing? Has he been fed??!!? Have i got any letters in the post?"

Just unimportant stuff. I think he just likes some attention. With other members of the family, he will go on for ages. And it annoys us all cos its pointless and we might be busy with something.

But he doesn't do it so much with me cos i have a tactic :) I answer a sloooww dull "YESSS" or "NOOO" to all his comments or questions. Sometimes i wait about 3 secs before answering with the dull YES or NO, and i think it makes him impatient and annoys him :) Or sometimes i talk over him talking or answer in the middle of the question. If hes talking a lot I'll say YESSS every 3 or so secs right over him talking. And he just gets fed up slightly and ends up saying bye a lot sooner than he does with other members of the family.

Example:
"Check if any of YESSS my letters have arrived, cos the postmYESSSan hadnt arrived when i left hYESSome and keep it on side for YEESSSSS me ok?"

*4 sec gap*

"hello?"

*2 sec gap*

"NOOOOO"

Tis jolly fun.

So we're watching television...

...mum, dad, me and 2 year old nephew. Football finishes, so i hand the remote to nephew, who passes it to my dad and says "cartoon! cartoon!!"

Dads asks me what channel cartoons are on, I reply 601 onwards....

Now, he's not very good with technology. He puts his head down towards the remote, to press 6... but on the screen "9" comes up...

I was amused. He didn't notice his error as he was looking at the remote still. He goes to the next 2 digits... instead of 0 and 1, on the screen comes up 0 and 3

903 !

TELEVISION X FREEVIEW

TITS AND ARSE EVERYWHERE LMAO

And being in his sixties, he's slow with the remote, and took him another 10-15 seconds to get back to 601.

Should i be worried?

On the treadmill today, first time in ages, doing a really light 3 minute jog and my heart-rate hit 181 bpm. I wasnt even tired or out of breath!

3 BEATS PER SECOND ??

One final incident I forgot

I forgot an incident in the city of Ahmedabad! We were out shopping on foot through the markets. I never realised how huge the market areas were. It just went on and on.

As it was near the end of our holiday, mum wanted to give some money to the needy, so she went to a few of these cheap food places that provide food for the poor at really low prices and basically gave them a wad of cash and told them to feed however many people it pays for. It’s a common thing to do I was told. I wasn’t quite prepared for the scramble straight after though! I remembered to stand back at the next place.

There are a lot of poor people around, beggars, homeless etc, and Mum is a sucker for people with disabilities. This teenager approached her, showing off his single arm, asking for money, and mum just emotionally collapsed and gave him 150 rupees. That’s like giving 20 or 30 pounds to a beggar here. Don’t get me wrong I wasn't complaining, I think its great, except she did it front of about 15 other child beggars who all started salivating.

They followed us for the next 20 mins wherever we want. We walked fast, we walked slow. We walked high, we walked low. We hopped, we skipped. Yet they were behind us all the way. Prodding us now and again and asking for money. They were really annoying me, especially this one kid who grabbed my elbow gently to get my attention. But they eventually got bored. Mum made a big mistake in giving it out in front of everyone :|

Note:
I hope I didn’t offend people with my “showing off his single arm” comment above. I think I’ll be serious for once. Being a fairly hidden person, it’s not something I like to do very often in something as public as a blog. I don’t tend to feel sorry for disabled or the homeless etc, unless I sense they feel sorry for themselves. Isn’t all that everyone is after is a vague sense of happiness? How is that happiness any different whether you can walk or are in a wheelchair? Its all a state of mind and anyone can achieve (although the wheelchair would be an obstacle for most people). We all know the man who has everything may be depressed. I would feel sorry for that man more than I feel sorry for a happy leg-less man. The body is but a shell and temporary, so why focus on it :) I guess if you believe we are nothing more than our bodies then you are entitled to feel sorry for them.

Another important point, if you had a disability, you wouldn’t want people feeling sorry for you. Using that insight, why feel sorry for them?