Friday, June 16, 2006

Perfect vision coming up!

We made some enquiries about laser eye surgery yesterday and decided to go with a recommendation someone in UK gave me (cheers shorty!). They rang them up and told em the usual lines "WE'RE LONDONERS! WE'RE ONLY HERE A FEW FUCKING DAYS BASTARDS SO GIVE US AN APPT RIGHT AWAY! FRONT OF THE QUEUE! WE'RE FUCKING LONDONERRRSSSS!!!" etc (i added the swearing for fun).

My rellies seem to use that kind of line a lot. I bought some suits last week and the date they said to pick it up, straight away my aunts like, "they're fucking Londoners bastards, they're off in a few days, stop being so cuntish and get it done on this day!" (again, added swearing for fun). And they're like "yes sir yes sir three bags full sir".

Anyway, where was i... the laser eye surgery, they gave us check up the next day which is today, and rellies are away for a few days so they got a friend to take us there and they did all these tests n shit. Really nice place, clean, AC, spotless. Then they put eye drops in my eyes and it started to sting.

I notice one thing in India, they never warn you of what's going to happen. I told em its burning and they said its normal. In the UK they would have told you exactly what they're gonna do and what's gonna happen "i'm now going to put some eye-drops in your eyes and it will sting a little for a minute" etc. Not here! What they do is just say "DROPS :|" in the Indian accent and shove it in half a second later. And i met the surgeon after, he said he studied in Leicester in the 70's. They'll do the surgery tmr, so quick! I guess its cos "we're fucking londonerrrssss bastarrrrdsssssss!"

Very good prices too. they have 2 methods, something called PRK method which they also called the classic method, costing 22'000R = 260 pounds. or the newer wavefront or waveform, cant remember which one they said, at 32'000R, 375 quid. this is the better method so i went for that as its still a bargain compared to the UK.

After that im off to Maandvi to one of those ayurvedic and other alternative therapy centres where u live there for a few months to see if they can sort out my ulcerative colitis.

We chatted to a few medical doctors first to hear their opinion but they're very quick to suggest surgery here. We saw a Dr Thakkar first, and he said he'd need to do an endoscopy (camera up da bummay) in a few days. Nice. But i asked him if i can be put to sleep for it and he said yeah so that's cool. It's best to be knocked out when you get a 3 foot long, inch thick tube shoved up your arse. I've had it twice before in the UK and was knocked out for them too.

So they told me to go next door, not telling me why. And some dark little Indian man in the room mutters something like "chaddi utarinaak" and some other stuff i didn't understand. Which is pretty much "drop your pants". And im like "okaayyyy". So i drop em and ask him to speak English cos the guji around here is really strong i cant understand it properly, its like a different dialect so he says to lie down on this bed which i fucking hope they cleaned cos this place didn't look too clean.

Then the doc comes and shoves SOMETHING up my arse without warning. Maybe his fucking finger. WHY DON'T THEY FUCKIN WARN US. Then i went back into the main room and he prescribed some antacids cos he said my arse is acidic. And told us to take a preparation drink type thing on the morning of the endoscopy to clear out my bowels. BYE TOSSER.

On the day, i start taking it, 2 litres over 2 hours. Quite a lot and it makes u shit out the same stuff. I went around 9 times in total over 3 hours. My arse was really burning i don't know why. I guess the acidity. I couldn't even sit down at the end of it so i decided to take a painkiller, co-proxamol, one hell of a strong painkiller :) makes u feel a bit high too :) and i could then sit :)

Endoscopy time and "chaddi uttarnaakyu" time again (drop pants). and the dude in the room takes my clothes from me and chucks em on the fucking floor!!

I made sure they were gonna put me to sleep which they said yes to. injected me with the anaesthetic, and i felt a sliiight drowsyness a few seconds later... and i was just waiting to knock out. about a minute passed and i was still awake and they started the endoscopy, shoving that 3 foot thing up the bummay. AND IT FUCKING HURT!!!!! I HADN'T FALLEN ASLEEP! Nowhere near it. Just a slight drowsiness thats all! And even that was gone after i felt the pain. And they put a telly near my face. In case i wanna watch, to keep your mind off the pain i guess. *queue some loud groans*

At the end of it, i asked him why i didn't fall asleep and the fucker muttered something about wrong dose or needing higher dose or some shit. COMMUNICATE YOU BASTARD.

We saw the doc after and he said my bowels are very very bad and strongly suggested surgery (removing the whole bowel/large intestine) in the UK as its a long process and hence would take too long in India. I was surprised, because with this condition you know the state of your bowels by how often you shit and the state of it. And it was pretty good at the moment. He asked if i wanted steroids but cos things weren't that bad i declined. I felt it was a slight overreaction cos my symptoms weren't too bad.

Anyway, back home i eat etc, have a nap. and my first shit i have the runs. Next shit, worse runs. Next day, all day bad runs, 7 times! 3 days of runs. i didn't know why! This has never happened with previous endoscopy's. i start to think and realise the difference with this one is this preparation that i drank. Didn't do that in the UK endoscopy's and i reckon it actually temporarily inflamed my bowels just before the endoscopy and what the doc saw was this inflamed bowel which isn't normally how it is, hence his suggestion of surgery. My bowels certainly were as bad as he said now! so i went on steroids for a few days to sort that out. So i'm gonna ignore the calls for surgery for now and get UK docs opinion when i'm back cos i reckon that fucking drink messed me up and hence they didn't get a proper endoscopy. But i couldn't be arsed with contacting them again. I came for alternative stuff really but just thought id get medical docs opinion as well. They let me keep the endoscopy video too :)

So next week we're off to Maandvi for alternative treatment! Should be good. Own room, en-suite, telly, AC. I'll be able to watch the rest of the world cup!

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