Monday, December 04, 2006
Quite a sight though huh?
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Here's my solution. Wear some cheap, old, soft, stretchy trackies and wrap the ends around your feet like so:
Seriously though. Works like a charm. You can even walk around like that to keep cold floors at bay.
Parents may moan it's ruining the trackies but that's why you use cheap ones.
Slight problem though. If, like me, you've been doing this for a few years, you may get this slight problem. Baguette.
Monday, October 16, 2006
I was at uni, felt a bit peckish so went over to one of those snack machines to buy me some crisps.
Monster munch, pickled onion flavour, lovely. 35p. Shoved a pound in, got the crisps, then pressed the change button.
I hear a looonngggg *clink* *clink* *clink* *clink* *clink* sound (money dropping)
*clink* *clink* *clink* *clink*
It just kept going on!!
*clink* *clink* *clink* *clink* for aaaaaaaaages
When it finally finished, i shoved my hand inside the change compartment......
It had given me back 65 one pennies.
I couldn't even put that in my pocket, it would be too heavy and rip through the pocket. So i put it in my empty lunch box, which is actually just an empty margarine tub to hold my banana so it doesn't get squashed. I was walking around making such a noise with it all clunking around in the box.
"Where's mum? She's not home ??!?! Ok then. What's nephew doing? Has he been fed??!!? Have i got any letters in the post?"
Just unimportant stuff. I think he just likes some attention. With other members of the family, he will go on for ages. And it annoys us all cos its pointless and we might be busy with something.
But he doesn't do it so much with me cos i have a tactic :) I answer a sloooww dull "YESSS" or "NOOO" to all his comments or questions. Sometimes i wait about 3 secs before answering with the dull YES or NO, and i think it makes him impatient and annoys him :) Or sometimes i talk over him talking or answer in the middle of the question. If hes talking a lot I'll say YESSS every 3 or so secs right over him talking. And he just gets fed up slightly and ends up saying bye a lot sooner than he does with other members of the family.
"Check if any of YESSS my letters have arrived, cos the postmYESSSan hadnt arrived when i left hYESSome and keep it on side for YEESSSSS me ok?"
*4 sec gap*
*2 sec gap*
Tis jolly fun.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Dads asks me what channel cartoons are on, I reply 601 onwards....
Now, he's not very good with technology. He puts his head down towards the remote, to press 6... but on the screen "9" comes up...
I was amused. He didn't notice his error as he was looking at the remote still. He goes to the next 2 digits... instead of 0 and 1, on the screen comes up 0 and 3
TELEVISION X FREEVIEW
TITS AND ARSE EVERYWHERE LMAO
And being in his sixties, he's slow with the remote, and took him another 10-15 seconds to get back to 601.
Monday, September 11, 2006
3 BEATS PER SECOND ??
Sunday, August 27, 2006
As it was near the end of our holiday, mum wanted to give some money to the needy, so she went to a few of these cheap food places that provide food for the poor at really low prices and basically gave them a wad of cash and told them to feed however many people it pays for. It’s a common thing to do I was told. I wasn’t quite prepared for the scramble straight after though! I remembered to stand back at the next place.
There are a lot of poor people around, beggars, homeless etc, and Mum is a sucker for people with disabilities. This teenager approached her, showing off his single arm, asking for money, and mum just emotionally collapsed and gave him 150 rupees. That’s like giving 20 or 30 pounds to a beggar here. Don’t get me wrong I wasn't complaining, I think its great, except she did it front of about 15 other child beggars who all started salivating.
They followed us for the next 20 mins wherever we want. We walked fast, we walked slow. We walked high, we walked low. We hopped, we skipped. Yet they were behind us all the way. Prodding us now and again and asking for money. They were really annoying me, especially this one kid who grabbed my elbow gently to get my attention. But they eventually got bored. Mum made a big mistake in giving it out in front of everyone :|
I hope I didn’t offend people with my “showing off his single arm” comment above. I think I’ll be serious for once. Being a fairly hidden person, it’s not something I like to do very often in something as public as a blog. I don’t tend to feel sorry for disabled or the homeless etc, unless I sense they feel sorry for themselves. Isn’t all that everyone is after is a vague sense of happiness? How is that happiness any different whether you can walk or are in a wheelchair? Its all a state of mind and anyone can achieve (although the wheelchair would be an obstacle for most people). We all know the man who has everything may be depressed. I would feel sorry for that man more than I feel sorry for a happy leg-less man. The body is but a shell and temporary, so why focus on it :) I guess if you believe we are nothing more than our bodies then you are entitled to feel sorry for them.
Another important point, if you had a disability, you wouldn’t want people feeling sorry for you. Using that insight, why feel sorry for them?
Saturday, August 26, 2006
My dad (that pics not my dad btw) comes in my room just now and says (in Gujarati):
"Can you just draw a line near my sideburns with biro? I need to shave them but I need a guide"
(biro = ball point pen)
I TOLD HIM TO FUCK OFF.
I didn't really. I did as instructed.
I DREW ON MY DADS SIDEBURNS WITH A BIRO.
Not many people can say they've done that :)
Monday, August 14, 2006
Bought a few DVD's:
I made up a list of about 30 dvd's i wanted to get. I emailed a copy of the list to my sisters, and they reply with another 30 dvd's they wanted!! So i had to trim the list as much as i could, and got it down to about 50 lol. But i knew some wouldn't be available, so off we trekked to a dvd shop, gave the man the list so he could start piling them up in front of us.
It was like an outside shop, but quite big, and there was sooooooo many fucking flies. I looked down at my legs/feet and there musta been like 5-10 sitting there. Gross. At first i just shook or stamped my foot every 10 or 20 secs. But i soon realised DVD man was gonna take LONNNGGGG making my pile. And i couldn't be shaking/stamping my leg about a hundred times. So i just stood there after and let them shat on my feet.
Ended up being 40 DVD's. He made up the bill.... FUCKING £200 ! :O but then, without asking, took 10% off, which was nice. Much more than my mum would have ever asked for. She always tries to bargain, but cos her maths (and her sense of working out proportions) is so bad, she always ends up asking for too little. I remember one incident where we bought a bunch of artwork from this little shop. The price came up to 3260 Rupees if i remember correctly. And my mum says "will you knock the 60 rupees off at least??" And i was thinking WHAT.
Lets turn it into pounds to get an idea of what happened. Total: £38, and mum asked for 70 pence off that. PENCE! Haha. And the funny thing was, the dude actually thought about it for a second, then agreed. Either he was a bit shocked at someone asking for a 1.8% discount. Or he was incredibly stingy and was actually wondering whether he should give such a discount (after all, this is the land of the Guji's).
Anyway, that was that, we bought £180 worth of Hindi dvd's. Far more than i thought it would come up to. works out to about about fiver per dvd. I hope he didn't overcharge us cos we're Brits.
I gotta mention the monkeys again. I saw one on top of a roof opposite our apartment on the 4th floor in Ahmedabad. I was astonished to see it take a massive 25 feet leap from that roof to a little roof on our building. It was one huge leap! And so high up! These are big monkeys too! Check my photo's page (see link at bottom of this entry) to see the monkey.
Puking boy on coach:
Heh this was a bit gross. We were on the coach going to another relatives house and a few seats ahead was a family with 2 young kids. One of the kids then threw up onto his seat before they got off the coach. The coach driver then wiped it a bit, not much. And a few mins later some other dude came on and just sat his arse right on that seat! Gross!
Raghav intentionally swears on daytime television:
I was watching telly in the early afternoon one time and there was an interview with raghav on B4U music. As i was watching, the lady interviewer said "shit".
And Raghav was like, "can you say that??"
And she's like "i can say aaaanything i like!".
And he's like "oh my gaaawd that's so cool. I can say shit! Shit shit shit! Shitty shit shit!" And then he broke into this freestyle singing and added loads of "shit" into it! It was quite funny!
Stare each other out:
I noticed another weird thing about the traffic in India. When you're stopped in traffic before some traffic lights, everyone seems to look left n right to stare at people near them. Not just a glance, but a proper up and down look, from head to feet (for the motorbiked ppl). Staring is so annoying. I should have done my Fragesh face at them if they stared at me (ask for details).
Touch my leg in a Rickshaw:
Oh man this was funny. I was in a rickshaw which stopped at some traffic lights. And there was a boy going around cleaning peoples windscreens and then asking for money. The rickshaw doesnt have much of a windscreen tho. But he must have noticed i was a foreigner, so he comes up to our rickshaw.... and im wondering what the heck he's gonna do for money.... he reaches his hand out and starts to fucking massage my legs! And then my aunt shoo'ed him off me. HOW RANDOM.
I think that's the end of my India blog! I doubt i'll have much more entries now cos my life here is so boring. I need material to write about to make entries.
Check out the photos from India
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
I was sitting outside a relatives house... chatting to them... a cow approaches slowly... slow probably because it is full of about 30 kg's of shit... stops... about 15 feet in front of us... with arse pretty much towards us... tail lifts up... and a big pile of shit comes out of its arse. proper gross! So i took a photo of it, as a souvenir, and sat down, the end.
Or so i thought... because a minute later a woman comes out of the nearest house with a spade type thing and a tile or something. She scoops it up and legs it back inside her house. WTF. For fuel? I thought they don't do that no more. But that's what happened.
I had my astrology reading done by a priest last week, and he said a special religious ceremony has to be done on me at the temple to kind of reduce the bad stuff in my astrology results. Interesting. It was so long, 3 hours! My back was killing sitting there cross legged. I did get a long break in between tho. Earlier i was told by my aunt that if you need to go loo in the middle of it, your clothes cannot touch the loo, and u have to wash your feet afterwards before resuming the ceremony. So you have to either take a dump/wee stark naked, or do it clothed, but change ur clothes after. WHAT!
I did need the loo, so during my break i trekked home as its near (and i don't like using public loo's here as they may not have loo roll and it might have piss on the floor) and did opted for the naked poo rather than changing my clothes, and washed my feet.
At the end i was given this small stone/gem (i dunno what it is) that was a part of the ceremony, and i have to wear it either on a ring or necklace. I don't like rings so i'm gonna have it put on my necklace in a locket.
Whenever we drive to other villages, we go through a long stretch of nothingess, just forests, flat land, things like that. But i notice you sometimes see a cluster of like 3 or 4 little tents in the middle of nowhere. It got me thinking. These ppl could be living there with absolutely no need for fuel, electricity or even money. Completely isolated from the rest of the world. They grow their own food on the patch of land nearby. They may have a cow or 2 for milk. They probably walk to a nearby lake for water or to bathe. They burn wood or dried cowpat to use as fuel. What else do you you need to survive?
Saturday, July 22, 2006
I then said, what about all the other races that don't use the Raasi method, are they getting more ill than us? Then she said something that i didn't quite understand cos of my poor Gujarati so i just nodded and carried on watching telly.
ARGH. MY GUJARATI.
I was wondering for a second how these strange superstitions/beliefs start or spread. Then i realised its just word of mouth. When aunt mentioned the double banana thing (see below) my mum just accepted it and told me not to eat it either. And this thing she just accepted too. Ppl just come up with these things and then it spreads through ppl without them questioning or checking.
My mum will probably tell a few other ppl and they'll accept it and they'll tell others...
I've just realised i never did write about the double banana incident in any earlier entries. My mum bought a bunch of banana's and we realised later one of them was 2 banana's stuck together! it looked pretty cool. i was looking forward to eating it/opening it cos the village is so damn boring that things like double banana's are the most exciting things that can happen. Anyway, when my aunt heard about it, she said "you cant eat it!" and i'm like eh why not. and my mums the same, like why not?? then aunt said no-one eats double fruits stuck together. you cant eat it you have to hand it in to the temple. so i asked why again... "u cant. no-one eats double fruits". i was getting very annoyed inside cos she wasn't answering the question :@ so i just left it. and even mum was saying it after (that you cant eat it). JEEZ :|
They told me to bring it to them, so when i went to get it and picked it up by the top, it ripped open a bit HAHA so i got to see inside it at least! The inside was proper stuck together.
I asked aunts husband (lmao i've just realised she's not my aunt, she's my cousins wife, Bhabhi), anyway i asked him and he's like naa nothing happens, but you know what women are like, i just let them do what they want.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
After many weeks of this, the other day i decided to check the jar carefully for fly poo. and theres SOOOO many little dark brown specks all over on the inside! Boy do they poo! Gross. I remember a fly incident last time i came India, i remember seeing one land on my hand, and i just watched it, as a teeeeeny drop of water came out its backside and flew off. It wee-ed on hand!
Funny thing my mum earlier today, she was saying her cousins dad is ill in hospital, and that he's in "internet care" (she has poor English). I broke out in smile, not very appropriate considering the bad news. But i couldn't help it. I made her repeat what she said... "internet care, what's it called...". And i'm like "INTENSIVE CARE!!"
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
A month back i had both the haircut and a shave for 18 rupees, it was damn good! After shaving your face, he massages it! So relaxing. He pressed a bit hard on the eyes tho. And wiped my face with an old cloth that he prolly used on a hundred villagers before me without washing it. BUT ELEVEN PENCE.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Well I’m sure my millions of fans have been eagerly awaiting my next blog instalment. Well here it is.
Since my last entry, I’ve done quite a few things. I’ve went for a special jamvaanu (meal) at a nearby mandir for about 200 hundred ppl which we were told to arrange on behalf of the anniversary of my grandfathers death a few years ago. The fly season started soon after. Flies everywhere! I’ve got a lot of insect bites now too. I also had to take part a mysterious religious ritual a few days ago involving just me and mum. And yesterday I went to this strange meeting with the “Rotary Club”.
The main unpleasant things of the week were a huge spotted spider jumping on me, and having to refuse holy milk cos a fly fell in it. Everyone else, probably shocked at my refusal, didn’t see a problem with the fly!
Lets start with the jamvaanu. I’m always reluctant to eat at ppl’s houses in a village cos I’m a bit of a hygiene freak. I did in the first week I arrived here, a bit naïve thinking the ppl aren’t that dirty. But my mum told me after eating at one of her friends houses that whilst she was cooking she was sweating like mad, and just wiping the dripping sweat off her face with her hands, and then throwing her hands back into the cooking, whilst making puri. That and a few other things at other houses made us decide not to eat out. Every time someone invites us, and we got a lot of invitations, my mum would tell them “Naresh doesn’t like eating at other ppl’s houses” !!!! She hates it just as much as I do but she only mentions me!
Anyway, the thought of eating at the mandir was even more off-putting. God knows who cooks it and how clean they are. Ive learnt that villagers definition of “clean” is completely different to ours. Their “clean” is our dirty. And our “clean” to them is waaayy over the top.
At first I suggested I eat before I go and not eat there, but was told I gotta eat something there even if its just a pinch-ful. So I agreed. There, we sat, the plates, bowl, cup and cutlery all laid out on the floor of the hall. I inspected the plate, and it was a bit dirty. I inspected one of the bowls, it was filthy, the other bowl wasn’t too bad tho. I didn’t bother checking the cup as I didn’t plan on drinking anything. So I planned in my head where to place the food, on this side of the plate to avoid the dirty bit, and in that bowl, the cleaner one.
Food starts arriving, some men who walk through the aisles offering the food to our plates, and I declined most of it (some out of choice, some cos they’re bad for my condition), accepting some rotli (chapatti) and kadhi (kari? That yellow, watery curry) and a piece of ladoo. The rotli looked so kaatchi (uncooked). I got stuck in and it wasn’t very nice. Had about 4 bite-fuls, and it began to taste worse n worse with each bite, I thought id finish it, but on one of the bites I almost heaved! Haha! It tasted like “lot”/dough. The kadhi was awful too. I stopped there, I didn’t wanna heave in front of everyone who are eating the same food as me. And moved onto the ladoo, looking forward to the sweet taste of it to get rid of the doughy taste in my mouth. Had a few bites and a big bit of fluff was inside, about an inch long. Lovely.
After I finished, I followed my cousin to where we put our dishes. Soon realized we have to go outside to a long line of outside sinks, bare foot, and wash our own dishes! No wonder the dishes were dirty! Random ppl were washing them, little kids even. And washing involved rinsing them in water and rubbing your hands across any stubborn bits of food. No washing up liquid. Ppl hardly use that here in the village. I tiptoed around, trying to avoid stepping on bits of food on the floor, glad it was finished.
The fly season started quite suddenly soon after. Within a few days, the number of flies must have tripled or quadrupled! Id walk out of the house to find my chappal covered in about 10 or 15 flies, god knows what they’re eating. My foot-sweat or any skin that may have shed onto the chappal. It was time to use my insect repellent. I now spray that on my feet and chappal before I leave the house and not many land on me after. At night, they buzz onto your face, hoping to get a few slurps of the natural oil on your skin. Sometimes they’re so fucking aggressive! Flying like kamikaze pilots, right into your face! There’s not many in our little room thing. It’s separate from the other houses. And it’s upstairs too so less insects and not many flies cos we keep the doors and windows shut. You get a few flies but if they keep bothering us, we (me or mum) catch them in jars and let them out outside. There was quite a few the other day so we decided to fumigate the room.
A few days later, my mum tells me “god is coming to our house tmr morning. I’ve invited god to come at 8am.” I don’t like to argue with her materialistic views of god so I just agree to it. It’s a 2 day ceremony for me and her starting at 8am for about an hour and a maraj carries it out. I had no idea what it was for! Felt like a marriage at one point! The next day mum said it’s a ritual that brings good fortunes to the family. I’m gonna start playing the lottery from now on. The maraj also said he does astrology readings! That was cool so I gave him my birth date and time. I look fwd to that! I like that kinda stuff.
On the 2nd day, near the end of the ceremony, one of those kamikaze flies jumped into the holy milk. The maraj picked it out with his fingers. The fly lived btw. And at the end the milk was passed around the room for everyone to drink a tiny bit. I was like “WHAT”. I whispered to mum that I’m not having any. As I was about to get up and leave as it was finished, my cousin says wait u haven’t had the milk yet! I’m like SHIT. I told her I don’t want it cos a fly fell in it and she smiled and gave this “u weirdo” look. I wanted to shout to everyone “A FUCKIN FLY FELL IN IT MAN!!!!! A FUCKIN FLY!” I asked mum if she had any and she said she didn’t want to but had to, so took a tiny bit. Haha. I think she felt too ashamed to refuse it in front of everyone. She wouldn’t have had any if the room wasn’t full of ppl.
A few days ago, my cousin (Ramesh) and a few of his friends invited me to go with them to this farm house in the evening, his friends place. He said there’s a meeting going on, and then they just drink, n eat n chat, and there’s a swimming pool there (not in use at the moment tho). So I went along, thinking I might enjoy.
It’s a huge piece of land. Some farms. Some buildings. Some were enjoying the customary whiskey + water. How sick that must taste. And this hairy beast of a topless man was starting to make the food. I decided there and then that I’m not gonna eat there. There probably wasn’t much I was allowed anyway, unless I ate curry on its own as I’m not a big fan of rice either (strange I know). They tend to eat a lot of moong beans here (kichari) and that’s a food to avoid for me.
The meeting was about to start, so we all was led upstairs. It was a bare house, I think it was being newly built. It was starting to get dark outside. The windows were all wide open so I was a bit aware that insects would start to flock to the light in the room. Anyway, they sat n started talking about plans of this Rotary Club thing they have started. I couldn’t understand much of it. It lasted an hour and a half, while the dude who owns the land was almost shouting. Guji’s have gotta be the loudest bunch of ppl on earth. I started insect spotting…. Saw all sorts of weird stuff flying around in the room. Stuff id never ever seen before. I remained calm tho as I sat there cross legged on the floor. As long as they don’t touch me I’m alright. I saw 2 little lizards come in through the window too. I dunno what they’re called in English, we call them “Andhi-chi-chi”, tried spelling it the best I can. They’re cute little lizards.
Then suddenly I feel something land on me near my shoulder, my face screws up in fear as I turn my head left to see a big spider on me, I start flicking my hand like mad at it to swat it off me and it falls a couple of foot ahead of me. GOD. It just fucking jumped out of nowhere! It was quite a big black thing, with white spots on it! AND THE FUCKER CAN JUMP. I composed myself. Keeping one eye on it. Then a minute later it fucking jumps towards me again! AND I HOPPED BACKWARDS A FEW STEPS ALONG THE FLOOR WHILST STILL ON MY ARSE (we were sitting on the floor). And the dude near me, who knew my fear of these things, flicked it away, and some ppl laughed. Bastids! Thankfully the meeting finished soon after and I was dropped off home as they were about to eat.
I have no idea why I’m so scared of the little shits. I know they do fuck all. But something just overrides all that like instinct. Like when you touch something too hot and your hand just automatically comes off of it without your conscious control. Actually I do have an idea of why. I remember my mum used to discipline me by telling me a spider is coming if I don’t behave etc. It probably started then.
Ppl here love nature. Sitting on a farm or on a large piece of natural land. I can see the beauty in it too, but before I do, my mind is focused on all the insects that u get. It doesn’t seem to bother these ppl one bit that there are 2 or 3 beasts crawling on their neck.
We had a little frog in the kitchen the other day. It was so funny seeing it jump up n down. My mums so scared of them, and rats.
Earlier today we went into town (Bhuj, 10 miles away) for some shopping. I needed a poo, so my aunt took me to her brother’s shop which was nearby and asked him if I can use the loo, he said yes. Then my aunt said they’re British, they prefer the sitting down loo’s not the hole in the ground ones, so he said he’d get someone to drop me to his relatives house nearby. Some guy came out the shop and I got on a scooter with him… *cue mission impossible theme*… we rode about 10 fucking mins! Must have travelled about 2 miles just to use the toilet, going thru tiny little aisles n bumpy roads, swerving around the numerous cows, buffalo’s and dogs. Did the business n another 2 miles n 10 mins to get back *mission impossible theme ends*. All that just to poo! Haha.
There’s a huge tree here nearby that houses literally hundreds of bats. Its quite amazing. During the day they all sleep on the branches upside down. Occasionally screaming when disturbed by another bat. At dusk, they all flock slowly somewhere in bunches. I don’t know where. Its quite a sight. I need to get some photo’s of it.
One thing I forgot to mention is that I've felt what I think were 2 teeny earthquakes. I was wondering if it really was a quake or a big truck that drove past but there’s always trucks going by and I don’t feel a thing and my cousin confirmed that there are often little tremors. Felt quite amazing. I’ve always wanted to feel one. Nothing too major obviously.
Earlier in the week we thought we had a bit of a family scandal. My mum wanted to check our bank accounts here, cos our dodgy cousin here (Haresh) has access to the accounts, he deposits our rent money in it and withdraws money in case repairs are needed on our house here that we rent out to ppl. And my mum don’t trust him one bit. He, and his mum, have a history of thieving, often from their own relatives. On checking the accounts, we noticed 300’000 rupees (~3600 pounds) was taken out in total over the last year. And a few months ago 200’000 was put back in. And we weren’t told of all of this so we suspected he took it out and when he heard we were coming to
My mum wants to restrict access to our accounts cos she cant keep track of all these withdrawals in different accounts. Esp as some of ppl able to access it are thieves. But she was told by my uncle n my dad in the
Less than 2 weeks left here in the village, then a final week in Ahmedabad to do some final shopping. Insect season and the peak of the monsoon is approaching so it’s a good time to leave. The weather is horrid in Mumbai with ppl dying in the floods. And also the recent train bombings! Luckily our flight is from Ahmedabad, where there is also heavy rain but not as bad as Mumbai. Cant wait!
Btw, not surprisingly, Word didn’t recognize the word “Ahmedabad”. And it had suggestions… so I right-clicked it out of curiosity to see what alternatives it suggests… it had the one suggestion… “HEADBAND” heh.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
There's not so many here in the village, apparently cos its actually too hot for them to come out seeing as its regularly 38-40 C. but there's loads in that place cos of the vegetation n plant life there. We also spoke to some ppl and they also said its not the right treatment for my condition. They’d shove me on some minimal diet for a month or two, i'm already well underweight! I dunno what there is to do in that place, ppl were just sitting around do F-all and enjoying it. Indians are able to do that. Us city ppl need things to do! When I look outside window of my room here, I see ppl sitting outside doing absolutely nothing for a whole day. Sitting in silence for most of it, just staring at ppl. HOW DO THEY DO IT DAY AFTER DAY. At first I didn’t mind it for a few days, a chance to chill out, but after a week or so its just mind numbing.
We’ve had some mad rain here on the odd occasion too. For an hour or two each time. Really heavy rain, and they have no guttering on the roads so the roads literally become rivers with water about half a foot high. Motorbikes can't drive through it, but other vehicles still do very slowly.
I thought the village would have moved on since i last came here 8 years ago, and i was told that it has but we still get regular power cuts. Mostly due to rain. So damn annoying especially in this heat & humidity, as you need the ceiling fans on 24/7 or the AC on coupla hours a day. And whenever it rains they cut the power to the village. How wrong is that. Few days back they had some work planned in the power station or something, and they cut the power from 9am-7pm! And today it rained for about 2 hours yet they left the power off for about 4 hours after!! The reason they cut it is for safety apparently cos a lot of the cheap houses in this village are an electrical hazard when it rains.
I took some pics of the crazy rain and the road which looked like a river during the rain which I’ll put up here when I get back to London which is gonna be sooner than planned woo hoo! We’re looking to come back on the 6th of Aug. 4 more weeks at this village while I try some homeopathic treatment then back to Ahmedabad (its nice there!) for the final week.
Cos my diet is so restricted, and the variety of food in this village is so small, I'm eating the same two or three curries everyday, getting so bored of it. My mum cooks my food now cos she decided my aunts are far too dirty with their hygiene. The amount of times we’ve found insects in the food is disgusting. I'm sure i've eaten insect body parts many times. The occasional mouse in the kitchen. Flies sitting on clean cutlery. But I just gotta ignore it or I'm not gonna like the food at all.
We went to some friends house to eat, and cos it was so hot, sweat was dripping of their face into the food while they were cooking. They were also wiping the sweat off their face with their hands and carrying on cooking with those same hands. Tasty! But what can ya do. U cant starve. Its not unhygienic for them and any suggestion that it is would probably baffle them.
We went to eat in the nearest city, Bhuj, 10 miles away, in a nice hotel restaurant called the Prince Hotel. Was impressive by Bhuj’s standards. But while we were eating, I saw a mouse run across the floor. And no-one did anything! Mice in the restaurant of one of the top hotels in the city.
Our 8 hour journey from Ahmedabad to here was supposed to have been luxurious. We were told it was in a sleeping coach with beds and AC. What we got was little bench type things in the coach with filthy cloth on it that a thousand Indians have probably sweated on after its last wash, and NO AC! Windows open all the way. If you wipe your face on something white after a open window journey in India, the white cloth/tissue turns brown.
A funny moment was when the coach stopped at a gas station for half hour, for ppl to go loo or get some food etc. This other lady went and came back and my mum asked her if the loo’s are decent, and she replied they're good. So mum decides to go…. when she comes back her face was a sight! She looked like she wanted to puke!! She said it was absolutely disgusting!!!!! And smelt soooo bad that she was heaving in there. And she says out loud what the lady said about them being good, taking the mick, which im sure the lady heard, hahaha I was cracking up. And then she goes gimme some water quick I need to rinse my mouth out cos the smell is stuck in her mouth HAHAH her face still had that puking look. I was in hysterics. She gargled some water and spat it out the window cos she could smell the toilets!!
After that she couldn’t stop moaning about everything, especially how much the cloth on her “bed” smelt.
They set up the internet for me here but its dial up so I cant use it much in the daytime cos of incoming phone calls. Its not much fun anyway surfing at 56k speed when the net is now designed to run on broadband, insanely slow. Msn messenger isn't even working and wont even reinstall so im using E-messenger and it takes like 2 mins to sign in.
My mum said to me a few hours ago she's planning a trip to this place where a famous temple is where u get blessed or something, and i have to go etc, cos its god related. I was like *sigh*. I asked how long the trip is and they said 5 hours each way, i was like WTF FORGET THAT! What if i need to shit on the way?? (cos of my condition i shit 4-5 times a day) And my cousin (Haresh) here says, with a smile, "you'll have to do it on the side of the road". haha, never in a million years. Id rather shit in my hand and throw it out the window. I told mum there's no way I'm going, so they cancelled it now. 5 hour road trip in crazy heat, do a prayer, get a blessing or whatever for a bit then another 5 hour trip back again. Crazy! Flippin religious fanatics! Its always the women that are a bit fanatical. The blokes didn't seem that bothered about the trip, only the women wanted to go.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
I hope it keeps me busy for the next 2 months. I was looking at the website for the place and one part stood out:
We all need a bit of piss therapy sometimes. Some of the more thoughtful are kind enough to give it to their partners.
Lets talk about Pound Shops. I was surprised to hear they have a One Rupee store here. WTF! 1 rupee is around 1 pence. A store where all items are 1 pence???? I want to see this place. What do they sell??? Fucking dust?
Lets talking about cyclists. Its funny how all the car drivers haaateee motorcyclists/bicyclists. They never move out of the way for them! If ones coming they don't mind heading straight for them! As if they're not even there. Traffic is so tight here in the city of Ahmedabad. At the traffic lights, its like the start of a race. they fill every single little gap. bikes and rickshaws 3 inches away from your either side of the car. No wonder they all fold their wing mirrors in and don't use them. And above their traffic lights there's a countdown timer of when its going to change. And they always start moving with 3 or 4 seconds left. Nutters.
Lets talk about monkey gangs. On the way to somewhere, we saw a wall near our house with like 10 monkeys sitting there. And aunt was telling us how they rob ppl sometimes! they get into groups of like 10 or 15 monkeys, and as your walking home from shopping or something, if your food is on display, they'll mugs ya! Snatch it off you and leg it. Funnyyyyyyy.
She told us how one time they found a monkey in their living room sitting there eating a banana!! That must have been hilarious. They get scared easily tho and leg it, grabbing whatever food they can on their way out, be it a potato or whatever. They're quite big tho. So i can see why some ppl are scared of them.
Laser eye surgery, I've done it! They have a telly in the reception area showing the procedure being done live. A bit scary! I wouldn't be surprised if ppl have just cancelled while they're waiting!
First they clamp ur head and eye to keep it still. The clamping is really tight and hurt a bit. They use a scalpel or something to cut open the upper layer of the cornea, and leave one bit so it opens like a flap, then wipe what's under it with this little wiping thing, then the laser is used on it for 5 or 10 seconds. U can still see with your upper cornea open, but blurry. The laser seems to dot away randomly to kind of cut away a thin layer of the inner cornea or whatever to correct your sight.
Then they close the flap and give u a painkiller to eat cos pain starts soon after. Its like a bad eye ache. A headache behind your eyes for an hour or 2 and then its gone. then u just gotta keep your eyes shut as much as possible for the next 24-48 hours. Sight is very blurry at this stage and gets clearer over the next 2 days til its pretty much clear. Eyes get dry very easily tho so they give u drops for a few months. And now i can see perfectly! Total cost 32'000R = 375 quid.
Went to the movies yesterday with my cousin and his mate to watch Da Vinci Code. Not very comfortable. The movie screen is so high up you get neck strain.
That is all for today. Good day.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
I got the best mark on the exam i thought did the worst in, and the worst mark on the paper i thought i probably did the best in. Very strange.
4 exams, 65%, 70%, 79%, 83% ! Taking coursework into account, the 2nd year has finished at 72%, i'm on course for a 1st ! Woooooop. Altho this year was only worth 25% of degree. Final year is worth a huge 75%. So i still need 70% in the final year to get the 1st.
Constant horning is a must. You don't horn to let them know they did something wrong, but horn to let someone know your near them. Cos they don't really use their mirrors here but rather the sound of horns around them. On the back of lorries there's signs saying "PLEASE HORN OK".
When there are 2 lanes, traffic for both directions, both lanes are often used by the cars going in each direction, one for each direction. But the other direction lane is also used for overtaking, which is very often. So you see traffic going both ways on both lanes! It's quite scary when you overtake cos you often see cars heading straight for you, at 60mph, but there seems to be a trust between the drivers so they don't even slow down! They trust you'll finish the overtaking in time so they don't bother slowing down.
But the amount of crashed or overturned lorries we saw was scary! During that 7 hour journey both ways, I counted around 6 crashed/overturned lorries/coaches/cars. Some in a very bad state. In the middle of nowhere, an ambulance wont come to your rescue. If ur badly injured, You're a goner.
Another thing i noticed, if a driver gets pissed off with another driver, they sometimes shout out to them and call them Bhai (brother) "Are bhaaaiii suu karo choooo!!!".
We hear this term a lot in the UK with the rudeboys, "bro/bruv". Now u know. They're not trying to be black, they're going back to their roots! The earliest forms of rudeboy-ism started here in India.
Lets talk about toilets. they have these wonderful little fountains in the toilets now that wash your arse. After you done your business, you stay sat, and open this tap and it sprays water along your bum crack, and you kinda adjust your arse around so it hits the right spot and let the water run for 10, 20, 30 secs whatever. You do need tissue tho sometimes, as water alone isn't perfect at removing the shite completely. And obviously to dry your ass. You don't wanna walk out of the loo with a huge wet patch across your backside. I want these fountain toilets in my house back home!
Lets talk about servants. They have one here in Ahmedabad. A young man. Amazing cook. Speaks Hindi tho so i dunno how to communicate with him if i want something apart from Gujarati to him, hoping he understood the gist of what i said, and then i get Hindi back from him and i try to understand the gist of what he said.
Feel a bit sorry for him tho. Cos he's married and recently had a first daughter born, but he has to live here 24/7. The rellies are away for 2 nights tho at the moment so he can go visit his wife and new baby for like half the day today and tmr. But otherwise i think he only gets like an hour or so everyday then back here. Tis life tho, tis life.
Lets talk about FOOOOTBAAAALLLL. I'm well pleased to have seen yesterdays match too. was a good match. apart from our awful awful finishing i thought we played okay. made lots and lots of chances which is the important thing. and Rooney's back!
Not sure if I'll be able to see the final group game on tuesday, cos its showing at 12:30am here. Everyone hits the bed at 11pm in this house, on the dot, but I'll ask uncle to see if its okay to be up til 2:15am. He's a bit intimidating tho. A very charming, persuasive, assertive, confident businessman.
6:30pm here now. Gonna watch another game as me and mum are home alone, Argentina vs Serbia Montenegro.
Friday, June 16, 2006
My rellies seem to use that kind of line a lot. I bought some suits last week and the date they said to pick it up, straight away my aunts like, "they're fucking Londoners bastards, they're off in a few days, stop being so cuntish and get it done on this day!" (again, added swearing for fun). And they're like "yes sir yes sir three bags full sir".
Anyway, where was i... the laser eye surgery, they gave us check up the next day which is today, and rellies are away for a few days so they got a friend to take us there and they did all these tests n shit. Really nice place, clean, AC, spotless. Then they put eye drops in my eyes and it started to sting.
I notice one thing in India, they never warn you of what's going to happen. I told em its burning and they said its normal. In the UK they would have told you exactly what they're gonna do and what's gonna happen "i'm now going to put some eye-drops in your eyes and it will sting a little for a minute" etc. Not here! What they do is just say "DROPS :|" in the Indian accent and shove it in half a second later. And i met the surgeon after, he said he studied in Leicester in the 70's. They'll do the surgery tmr, so quick! I guess its cos "we're fucking londonerrrssss bastarrrrdsssssss!"
Very good prices too. they have 2 methods, something called PRK method which they also called the classic method, costing 22'000R = 260 pounds. or the newer wavefront or waveform, cant remember which one they said, at 32'000R, 375 quid. this is the better method so i went for that as its still a bargain compared to the UK.
After that im off to Maandvi to one of those ayurvedic and other alternative therapy centres where u live there for a few months to see if they can sort out my ulcerative colitis.
We chatted to a few medical doctors first to hear their opinion but they're very quick to suggest surgery here. We saw a Dr Thakkar first, and he said he'd need to do an endoscopy (camera up da bummay) in a few days. Nice. But i asked him if i can be put to sleep for it and he said yeah so that's cool. It's best to be knocked out when you get a 3 foot long, inch thick tube shoved up your arse. I've had it twice before in the UK and was knocked out for them too.
So they told me to go next door, not telling me why. And some dark little Indian man in the room mutters something like "chaddi utarinaak" and some other stuff i didn't understand. Which is pretty much "drop your pants". And im like "okaayyyy". So i drop em and ask him to speak English cos the guji around here is really strong i cant understand it properly, its like a different dialect so he says to lie down on this bed which i fucking hope they cleaned cos this place didn't look too clean.
Then the doc comes and shoves SOMETHING up my arse without warning. Maybe his fucking finger. WHY DON'T THEY FUCKIN WARN US. Then i went back into the main room and he prescribed some antacids cos he said my arse is acidic. And told us to take a preparation drink type thing on the morning of the endoscopy to clear out my bowels. BYE TOSSER.
On the day, i start taking it, 2 litres over 2 hours. Quite a lot and it makes u shit out the same stuff. I went around 9 times in total over 3 hours. My arse was really burning i don't know why. I guess the acidity. I couldn't even sit down at the end of it so i decided to take a painkiller, co-proxamol, one hell of a strong painkiller :) makes u feel a bit high too :) and i could then sit :)
Endoscopy time and "chaddi uttarnaakyu" time again (drop pants). and the dude in the room takes my clothes from me and chucks em on the fucking floor!!
I made sure they were gonna put me to sleep which they said yes to. injected me with the anaesthetic, and i felt a sliiight drowsyness a few seconds later... and i was just waiting to knock out. about a minute passed and i was still awake and they started the endoscopy, shoving that 3 foot thing up the bummay. AND IT FUCKING HURT!!!!! I HADN'T FALLEN ASLEEP! Nowhere near it. Just a slight drowsiness thats all! And even that was gone after i felt the pain. And they put a telly near my face. In case i wanna watch, to keep your mind off the pain i guess. *queue some loud groans*
At the end of it, i asked him why i didn't fall asleep and the fucker muttered something about wrong dose or needing higher dose or some shit. COMMUNICATE YOU BASTARD.
We saw the doc after and he said my bowels are very very bad and strongly suggested surgery (removing the whole bowel/large intestine) in the UK as its a long process and hence would take too long in India. I was surprised, because with this condition you know the state of your bowels by how often you shit and the state of it. And it was pretty good at the moment. He asked if i wanted steroids but cos things weren't that bad i declined. I felt it was a slight overreaction cos my symptoms weren't too bad.
Anyway, back home i eat etc, have a nap. and my first shit i have the runs. Next shit, worse runs. Next day, all day bad runs, 7 times! 3 days of runs. i didn't know why! This has never happened with previous endoscopy's. i start to think and realise the difference with this one is this preparation that i drank. Didn't do that in the UK endoscopy's and i reckon it actually temporarily inflamed my bowels just before the endoscopy and what the doc saw was this inflamed bowel which isn't normally how it is, hence his suggestion of surgery. My bowels certainly were as bad as he said now! so i went on steroids for a few days to sort that out. So i'm gonna ignore the calls for surgery for now and get UK docs opinion when i'm back cos i reckon that fucking drink messed me up and hence they didn't get a proper endoscopy. But i couldn't be arsed with contacting them again. I came for alternative stuff really but just thought id get medical docs opinion as well. They let me keep the endoscopy video too :)
So next week we're off to Maandvi for alternative treatment! Should be good. Own room, en-suite, telly, AC. I'll be able to watch the rest of the world cup!
It was interesting at first, driving through town after town, village after village, and all the emptiness in between, which is now slowly being filled by factories in the middle of nowhere! When i was last here 8 years ago, you'd find nothing in between towns apart from a few animals or ppl walking. But cos of the recent boom in industry in India, these factories are popping up in these places cos its so cheap to run here.
So yeah the ride was interesting... til i needed a fucking shite! And for a person with my condition, ulcerative colitis, when u need to shite U NEED TO SHITE. It was around 9am, around halfway thru our journey and we stopped at a cafe in the middle of nowhere and so the driver and some other random dude who was in the car can get refreshments. me and mum wouldn't eat from these places in case we get ill from the food. these Indians, their bodies are used to eating dodgy food, where a hundred flies have sat on it before u get to eat it, and probably shat on it with their tiny fly-poo.
Anyway i needed to poo, and i strained with all my might to hold it in til the next stop, cos the driver said he'd take us to a hotel loo nearby which are nice, apparently. it is not a nice feeling holding poo cos u end up feeling so hot when your straining. anyway, i managed to not skid my pants and we arrived at "A1 Plaza" in the the middle of nowhere. Fuck knows who uses hotels in the middle of nowhere. Looked half decent too hygiene-wise. Walked in with my loo roll that i take with me everywhere, and asked them where the fuck the loo was and he said its 5 rupees to use it lol. So our driver paid for it cos i didn't have any cash on me, and he went to one of the cubicles and took the padlock off. I went in and just literally burst :) it was quite something :) i hope that 5 rupees covers the cleaning bill mehehe.
Anyway, we then continued on our journey and arrived at one our close relatives place, in the village of Madhapar, near Bhuj. Nice little close-knit village and aunt cooked for us. She's very old tho and sight isn't the greatest, and there were loads of red ants all over the dining table eww. i instantly lifted my legs up off the floor in case there's any there trying to crawl up my legs. UK blood is a delicacy for Indian red ants. Food was nice tho. As nice as it can be when you're worrying there may be red ants in the food too.
Then a few hours later we moved on to our main place, in the village of Kera where our closest India relatives live. Stayed there for 2 nights, while mum withdrew her money etc. Had to eat out at various relatives and friends places in the village cos they love Londoners and kept insisting we eat there cos they know my mum very well. but boy they are not clean. You cant even find soap to wash your hands with. just water. and you see them wipe the sweat off their faces with their hands and carry on cooking the roti. But you just gotta try and ignore that.
The last evening there was the day of the first England match and i was able to watch it! I WAS SO HAPPY! i was happily watching it, but around 30 mins into a huge fucking sign comes across the screen "payments overdue on this account". WTF. All i could see was a small border around the edge of the screen. So it was pretty much just commentary. But it was alright, as it was still live! Tonight another match is on and i'll be able to watch that too, i'm so glad. I really love the world cup.
Man i cant even be bothered with this entry now, I'm getting too hot just sitting here for this long. Feels like 30 degrees indoors, even tho the fans on and i don't like taking the piss with the AC all the time cos they hardly ever use it themselves. and mum moans so much too cos she don't wanna seem like we're rinsing the electricity bill, so I'll continue this with another entry tmr, or maybe later today...... including my awful endoscopy experience (camera up the bum)
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
So i get to the desk and they tell us the flight has been cancelled cos of a dodgy wing or fan or something, and they are gonna put us up in a hotel for the night. It took about an hour and a half before the rest of the passengers arrived to this desk and boy did they shout and complain India style!! one dude was shouting at the desk person so much, telling him off! I thought he was going to take his chappal off at one point! He just kept shouting so they had to call police to calm him and everyone else down.
There were so many rumours flying about started by the paranoid passengers. Here's a selection:
- They've actually cancelled the flight cos there were only enough passengers to fill half the plane so they didn't wanna make a financial loss on the flight.
- They're now gonna put us all in a big hall to sleep on the floor overnight.
The next flight for us was set at 6pm the following day.
Then they had us waiting bout another hour and a half for a coach to take us to the hotel. I was knackered from all the standing with the hand luggage. And when the first coach finally arrived, it was pure havoc. Ppl were pushing and shoving like free money was being given out. This was a taste of India right here in Heathrow airport.
Felt great to get to the hotel. Luckily my mums experienced in pushing and shoving and did it right back haha, and got us near the front of the queue to check in. THANK GOD. Cos it was one HUGE queue which took about an hour and a half to finish. The hotel free food was pretty nice.
The next day at around 3pm, an airport dude comes to the hotel to give us an update and says the planes not certain to leave tonight either. Ppl went nutttsss again and surrounded him. Rumours again flew around "we have to pay for this 2nd night at the hotel now". Bloody freshies.
He came back an hour later tho to confirm it will take off tonight. Couldn't hear the time tho cos everyone was still surrounding him like ants. The coaches arrived soon after, and everyone again pushed and shoved like animals. We get to the airport at 6pm and on the screen it said it departs at 6pm. But they waited til everyone was on board and departed at 7:30pm. And the plane was more than half empty. Everyone had a row to them self. I had 3 seats to lie down straight and have a nice sleep. My mum went a row behind to do the same.
Arrive at Ahmedabad airport at 7am. A tinnnyyy airport! They had a "DUTY FREE" sign in front of the only two little shops ahaha.
We're off to Bhuj later to my dads side relatives. 5 hour car journey. I hate long car journeys. Then we train it back on the weekend. I'm gonna FRIKKIN MISS THE ENGLAND GAME cos we'll be on the train at the time of it i think. A late evening train on saturday.
That'll do for now. Can't be arsed any more. Just wanna sleep all day. It's quite boring here. There's only my maami and maama, and my mum and me. Oh and the servant.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
HENCEFORTH this shall be my blog where all my fans will read what i write. Hopefully laugh loud, to the extent they spit out some saliva, and then post about it and boost my ego. You don't have to sign up or anything to post reply comments btw.
48 hours left... but i am yet to pack. The suitcase arrived in my room a few hours ago with a few pre-packed items. Some strange boxes that my mum put in there. Probably a package we are taking for someone else... As Indians often do. Funny how we never see what's inside. We always get told something like "yeah its just some aanthru/gaatia/chevro. Pass it onto my Maavji Kaka".
WHAT. 14 KG'S OF IT?? I'm sure on the odd occasion we have unknowingly delivered some illegal class-A drugs or some type of weapon of mass destruction to an international criminal in Gujarati disguise with the code-name Maavji Kaka.
Anyway, i shall now eat and then COMMENCE THE PACKING. Flippin shove everything in there I will. Yeah baby.
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Friday, June 02, 2006
What does he do with them?
Hello? Hello? Anyone there?
Saturday, May 06, 2006
First time i experienced one. Evil looking bitch she was.
She comes outta nowhere and hangs a lollipop at the top of my top, like how you hang sunglases at top of your top. She then HUGS ME lightly, and starts wafffling on about children charity and poor children and whether i would like to donate. All with this huge evil witch smile.
So i asked her for some ID of what charity she's with and she just waffles on more about poor children with that evil fucking smile.
And i told her i don't donate to people without any ID, she snatched the lollipop back and walked away!
Evil witch bitch (I checked my pockets after in case she nicked anything while hugging me with her witch arms)
I should have shoved some chevro down her top and told her i'm collecting for poor Gujarati children. See how she likes it.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
First, he grabs clothes from nearby bedrooms and chucks them down the stairs.